You Can't Get On His Level

I'm writing this on my phone in the Discount Tire down the road from my day job. It’s technically my lunch break, so I'm not breaking any rules with the ol' 8-5. I also should have written this sooner because I had the story down pat in my head on Sunday night.

I also should be reading my book I put on my dresser, knowing full well I'd have an hour to spare to read it in the waiting area.

I forgot that book. It's still on my dresser.

So are my wireless headphones. Well, they’re on my bed, but you get the gist.

There are other ways this could've gone down. Alas, here I am. Thumbing my way through last weekend.

The one where Snow Patrol called Cedric the Entertainer the n-word.

Between No. 700 and the final tally of February, 27 misleading, mismanaged, and misguided attempts at underage drinking were stopped.

That's a lot, in case you're wondering.

If I'm averaging one-per-day this early in the year, it’s going to be a busy season for the rest of the city.

(Hit me up for training 😁)

Huh. I don't think I've ever used an emoji on here before.

This story is not underage drinking related.

And yet, it does have something to do with an errant ID. This time not belonging to an older man in his mid 50s, disheveled and cold.

Dare I say, not homeless, however. Not a vagrant or a beggar, but someone still in dire need of self care, sleep, and some new pants

Because his had urine down each leg.

I'm no expert, but I bet he's not the kind of person that pays someone to do that.

And I'm too afraid to use Google Incognito to see if that's a thing on Discount Tire's WiFi.

So, we have a man not living his best life, without his finest threads, and discarding every item in his pockets searching for an ID that isn't there.

What is in there, in his Dr. Who like endless pockets? Gift cards, cash, a debit card, library card, bus pass(es), receipts, various notes, loose change, lint, a peppermint, toothpicks, and headphones.

No ID.

Combo that with the darkened shade of piss pants and it's a no-go no matter how old you are.

And thus is where the curse nearly continued.

See, for the last two Februarys, some asshole broke our door. The first time was in 2018 when a distressed fellow in the throes of passion … took a claw hammer to our windows 4 hours after being kicked out.

In 2019, a man who couldn't accept leaving at 2:05 a.m. put a perfect fist center mass and sent spiderwebs across the pane.

What did our guy do in 2020? He tried to repeat last year's attempt but couldn't muster the strength.

What lacked in power, however, he made up in racism.

Cedric saw this display and was quick to put himself in between man and door.

Not today, Satan. 👿

That's when the racism started.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t on either end of it this time!

But Cedric did get an n-word in his ear moments before coming to a soft landing in the flower bed. You know, for safety.

This is where Snow Patrol comes into play.

Like a phoenix, this man won't quit. He doesn't dare spar with CtE anymore. Nay, his next target are the cars along the road.

Chasing Cars.

He kicked a window.

Didn't break.

He punched another one.

Didn’t break.

He tried two more times.

The fourth car had people inside.

Springing into action.

Four of them got out and swarmed Snow Patrol, two flanking him on the left, one on the right, and one flying in from above, landing a Superman punch and dropping our Peed Piper in the middle of the street.

🎶If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world🎶

Oh fuck, he's up.

Back for Round 3, I guess.

He turns around and starts running after a red truck, then a green sedan, then a brown SUV.

It's like he's trying to start a fight with the vehicles themselves.

And he does this until he’s out of view.

🎶Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a guy whose bursting into shit.🎶