I can’t even fit the story of 5-foot-6 guy giving me the middle finger while playing the “I’m not touching you” game because it’s not remotely close to the top two moments of last weekend. I’m only mentioning it because now you have to visualize it.

There’s a reason full bottles of UV only cost $10, are brightly hued, and taste like sugar water. If you drink them, you’re still technically a child.

Instead of thinking ways to work around all sounds, I shall bring you a story centered on just one.