Milestone Madness

This may seem like a shock, but I don’t take many pictures with people. In fact, I’ve taken more pictures with strangers than with members of my own family.

I love photobombing. I have a real knack for it because I’m stealthier than I look. Nobody ever expects the giant to be light-footed.

Maybe that’s why Bigfoot has never been found. We always see glimpses of the creature, but shouldn’t we hear him first? Trudging through the woods in all manner of bewitching hour? No, because he has puma-like agility.

And so do I.

When someone else is trying to take a drunk selfie in the bar.

Me.

Or in the venue.

Also me.

Or walking down the streets of Toronto after a Blue Jays game.

Definitely me.

But this post isn’t about the my scene-stealing abilities, it’s about a common misconception about the frequency to which I snap photos with my confiscatees.

No, I do not take a picture with everyone with a fake ID. That would be ridiculous.

Here’s the rundown of how my fake ID milestones have come about. You can clearly see how often I’m not in front of the camera.

• 100: I bought a cake and had it custom designed as a ‘thank you’ from my boss who didn’t actually commission it.

• 200: I got a giant sweet treat replete with Swedish Fish during Shark Week.

• 300: I made a Sparta quote on Facebook, it was also my birthday.

• 400: I made a very short Facebook post (400!) with very little fanfare.

• 500: My mom and I made Certificates of Participation and wrapped them in ribbon. I handed them out graduation style. The 500th took a picture with me and said he was going to tack it on his dorm room wall. This was the first true ‘selfie’ taken.

• 555: Sent to the heavens via a hole punch and a balloon.

• 600: We luckily had a small bar shirt in the back. The girl was very shy and had no idea what was going on.

• 666: I used the devil horn Snapchat filter before I told her about the ID. I think she thought I was trying to hit on her. She was smiling, so I must be somewhat cool for a 31-year old trying to chat up a 20-year old.

• 700: The 700 Club is a religious program with a bunch of old racists and grifters, hence the halo. She was, however, OK with taking the selfie after knowing she wasn’t getting the ID back.

• I didn’t do anything special for 800 because the number kind of crept up on me. I went from 780 to 800 in three weekends and didn’t plan accordingly. I wanted it to be 808 and give someone a Kanye West CD signed by yours truly. I went into my local record shop and they didn’t have any Kanye, which made me like the store even more.

• 900: I bought a copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 for the Nintendo DS on eBay for $6.82. I gave the kid that and a Tech Deck. He was nice about everything.

I think the photos came from a real lack of ‘prize’ to give someone after the grift is over. There’s no pizzazz in a selfie. It’s innocuous. It’s simple and quick. But it is effective. I guess I had a much higher flair for the dramatic in my earlier days. I wonder if I thought it was a real surprise that these hundreds were hitting.

It’s not a surprise anymore.

Something tells me I should be taking suggestions for 750, 800, 900, and the big 1,000.