The COVID Countdown

There’s a lot of anger spilling out … everywhere. Most of it is for good causes. Rooting out police brutality, treating other people with dignity and respect, not electing the same old politicians over and over again.

And then there’s the armed haircut protests being treated more lightly than the unarmed peaceful protests around the world. Amazing. Who would have thought that people don’t like it when you tear gas them, or slash their tires, or kill them for not doing something worthy of a capital crime? Or sleeping? Sleeping.

Speaking of #BlackLivesMatter, NASCAR banned Confederate flags in a shorter order than the NFL apologized to Colin Kaepernick. Speaking of things with face masks. Face masks. Wear them. It’s not hard. Yes, most of us like going out into the world, but wear the damn mask. And if it’s a medical issue, be nice about it.

Don’t try and kill the greeter, please.

More importantly, it’s only a mask to wear when you’re inside around people. That’s not difficult. Working at the bar, I’ve been masked for 58 hours so far. That’s a lot of hours where the mask didn’t hinder my ability to breathe or do my job.

And can we stop it with the Facebook sharing nonsense? We all have the internet. You can’t Google a simple fact check before you share a video where someone tells you uncorroborated evidence that masks cause lung damage? If that was really the case and cloth masks were so terrible, then why aren’t doctors and nurses just dropping like flies at higher rates than those with the actual virus? Oh, that’s right, the cloth masks are for us because the government couldn’t get enough of the right PPE masks to frontline workers.

But you’re right, it’s a personal freedom not to wear a mask, just like it’s my right to judge you constantly for not doing so. What does that judgement entail? Well, here’s a list of things I’ve noticed from the last few weeks.

10. Stop Touching Me

No handshakes, no high fives, no daps, no fist bumps, no exposed elbow bumps, no hugs, no arms touches, flirty or otherwise. I don’t want it, not now anyway. This is one of the most contagious viruses humans have encountered in over 100 years and you want to touch me? Stop it. You can’t wait a month, just to see what the deal is? We’re already spiking because of Memorial Day.

9. Stop Getting Mad When I Won’t Touch You

It’s basically the same point as No. 1 but still irritating. I don’t care that we were buds before quarantine. Doctors with far superior knowledge on the subject are telling me to stop skin to skin contact with non-family members. Why? Because people love touching their face. And then touching other people.

Bar regulars are not a consensus on anything vital to the cause of continued human existence.

8. There Was Too Much Crying on a Wednesday

I counted four people crying last night. One of them had a very real reason for doing do. I don’t know what happened with the other three but this couldn’t have been the plan when bars reopened.

Bars are supposed to be light-hearted and fun meeting places for active adults to enjoy themselves. Instead, you’re crying in the corner at 1 a.m. while Gasolina blares on the juke box.

7. There Are Too Many Young People

Younger people think they are invincible. For this virus, many of them will be. But many is not all and we should be striving for that blanket protection that was coming with the stay-at-home order. I have caught 13 underage kids from trying to enter the bar. Thirteen. So, not only do younger people believe they can still get past me with a fake, but they think the coronavirus is a hoax. Bananas.

6. People Can’t Read the Room

The last three nights I’ve worked featured a man trying to slip in without an ID. Let me rephrase, to him, he has an ID. He has a broken hospital wristband with his birthday on it. He tried this gambit Friday, Saturday, and last night he tried to walk right through me and shake it off like it was my fault for standing in his way. He will strike again. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

5. No Self-Reflection During Quarantine

Fielding questions is nothing new out front. The one that gets me every time is, “oh, are you at capacity?” Yes. Yes, we are. That’s why people are standing in a line, generally unhappy. Line management for bars hasn’t changed for hundreds of years but you thought rules don’t apply anymore? Of course, sire, we’re gracious you decided to choose our humble establishment for your evening. Let me roll out the red carpet and disregard the state’s threat of indefinite shutdown for a health code violation.

For you.

You.

4. Leave, So We Can Clean

Not only did we have to install hand sanitizer stations in the bar, we also have to use a COVID-killing spray a few times an hour on our surfaces to try and curb the spread of the virus. The doors, railings, and gates are our responsibility. And at night, this covers the stools, tables, bathroom, bar top and kitchen. There’s a lot of stuff to clean and it’s hard when you can’t take the hint to leave. Thank you for the business, but it’s 1:45 a.m. on a Wednesday morning and we have to flip from bar staff to hospital-grade janitors.

3. My Hands Are Clean, Often

Wearing gloves at the door was kind of my thing. Now, no more gloves. Why? Cross-contamination. It’s far healthier for our guests if I wash my hands and sanitize regularly. I even bring my own sanitizer from home, so I’m not reliant on the pumps our customers *should frequent. You may ask yourself, “Jon, you wore gloves to protect yourself from getting sick, so why take them off in the time you could need them the most?” While cross-contamination is the broad answer, the detailed explanation can be found here. Also, gloves aren’t one-size-fits all. Do you know how hard and expensive it would be to check IDs when you have to discard, or even sanitize gloves for 5-8 hours when they hardly come in your size? I’d be going through a box of gloves nightly. Or, I can just follow the consensus advice of medical experts on hand washing.

2. My Mask Stays Put, Mostly

Now that I’ve tricked you into taking the CDC’s advice on hand washing, here’s the advice on masks. Japan loves masks. South Korea, too. Combined population ~175 million. Just over 1,000 reported combined deaths. Our country? We have 126,000 deaths from a pool of ~330 million people. Twice the population, 125 times the number of fatalities. All because some of you aren’t willing to take the basic step of listening to medical experts. This is what the era of fake news was always about. Not everything is Trump’s fault, but a lot of what we’re living through is because he cares more about favorable headlines than poor people. And everyone reading this is very much part of poor people. If you don’t make over a million dollars, can’t donate en masse to political fundraisers, or can’t use your celebrity and influence for his favor, you’re worthless. He’ll just tear gas you for a photo op.

1. You’re a Piece of Shit If You Can’t Tip the Bartender at least 20%

This is what you all wanted, right? You wanted to be out in the open with your friends. You wanted the music and the dancing and the FREEDOM. You wanted the booty shaking and flirting and shots and menagerie of one-night stand prospects during simplified times. But some of you aren’t willing to pay for it.

And I’m not talking about tipping me or the rest of the door staff. It’s always appreciated. But if you can easily slip the door guy a $20, then you can do the same with the bartender putting the work into making your drink.

If you can’t muster a dollar per drink, you shouldn’t be allowed to gargle our freedom juice.