I'm Basically Nolan Ryan or Britney Spears
Oops, I did it again.
For the eighth time.
The eighth aggravating time. Seven in one night.
I’m putting myself on the same level of Nolan Ryan, whose seven no-hitters were great for a Hall of Fame career, but he was still searching for the perfect game. Or Britney Spears, because I keep doing things with great regularity, but I also have an umbrella handy at most times.
And, look, I’m not saying eight IDs in one night will be perfect. Venues, night clubs, and other trendy places probably get more than my bar on certain nights. Eight is just somehow my elusive number. Final IDs of the night also come at random times. I once got the seventh ID before 11 p.m. and then nothing for over 3 hours!
Speaking of baseball analogies, I think it’s time to start giving you a context of how many IDs I have under my belt. Sure, you can see The Count on my menu scroll, but that’s just a number on a screen. To put things in perspective, here are some number equivalencies:
579 is 78 more than Cy Young’s career wins record (511).
579 would put me 11th on the All-Time Home Run list behind Mark McGwire (583) and ahead of Harmon Killebrew (573).
Only Trevor Hoffman (601) and Mariano Rivera (652) have more saves since the stat was created in 1959.
Every ID is a win. Every ID is a home run. Every ID saves either the bar or bartender (or me!) from loss of license or employment.
The only thing I hate more than entitled minors who love to tell me who their dads are, is the double down of stupidity.
I blame Trump. Nobody can just take their licks and leave anymore. Everybody has to defend themselves from their own lies and try to play the victim.
And they call us the snowflakes.
Best Worst Statements & Sentiments of Spring
“I don’t have any social media. And this isn’t even my phone.”
“I’m 26 years old. These are my sister’s friends.”
“I’m really from Maryland, but I move around a lot, so I might not know the address. So what if that’s my vertical.”
“I’m so old, like, totally old enough to be your dad.”
“That’s not my ID, that’s my Dave & Busters card.”
“I didn’t pee on the street. You got the wrong guy.”
“Yeah, it’s expired, but it’s clearly still me, bro.”
“Please, can you stop them fighting? That’s my mom over there!”
“You’re being a BIG MEANIE!”
“I was trying to throw a beer at the door and hit you on my 21st birthday. My bad.”
“Do you like seeing girls pee themselves at the front door?
“The last time I was here I threw up on your door and I just want to say that’s not how I usually act.”
Our poor fucking door, man.
