The holidays hit me HARD. Between November and January, my family has three main birthdays, Thanksgiving, and multiple Christmas parties.

That’s so much food just flying around my face all the time.

Cakes, pies, cheesecakes, new recipes, new spices, pasta, potatoes, homemade beer, craft beer, light beer, wine, shakes, malts, Kopp’s cheeseburgers and fries, oh my! I thought working outside sometimes and all that shoveling would keep my body at bat from all the empty calories, but boy was I wrong.

I got fat.

But I didn’t weigh more than usual.

I was just fat.

Look, I know I’m getting older and there’s bound to be more body aches and random pains, but after three months of binges, I had gas, bloating, heartburn, acid reflux, and horrible sleeping patterns.

I’ve been heavy and unhealthy before. I’ve been lighter and unhealthier, too. Heck, I’ve been heavier AND healthier than this. But I never had to deal with all of those issues at the same time before.

Something had to change.

To the Internet!

Water fasting ended up being the chosen routine. Why? The videos I found bypassed odd diets and looked feasible. Also, I had nothing going on. Unlike last year and my 100 shows, my January is real light. between a rescheduled show on the 5th and my brother’s birthday on the 27th, the whole month was the perfect time for such an experiment.

So, I said fuck it and slow-rolled into water fasting.

It wasn’t cold turkey, however. I spent a week limiting portions sizes, followed by a week of eating breakfast later until not at all. Then a few days of eating just dinner. Finally, on Tuesday, January 10 at 8:30pm I ate my final meal for the time being. Tacos.

I bought a scale that day that measured weight, body fat percentage, muscle mass, water levels, and kcal counter. The first reading came in at ~3,900 to maintain the first weight, which fell in line with what I was eating per day. Is that a lot? A far cry from my football days when that was in the 8 or 9 thousands.

But those days are long gone.

And I haven’t been to the gym since August. Gee, I wonder if that’s impacted my health? All kidding aside, I don’t think the gym was going to help in this situation. I needed a hard reset. All measurements were in the morning.

Day 1 - Wednesday

Weight: 315.6
Body Fat: 35.5%
Waist (Around the Belly): 49

Not as rough as I expected. Not rough at all, actually. After researching some sites, I found that if you basically live as a camel, you will not starve for that first day. Regular water is all you really need.

To keep cravings at bay and to stop any muscle aches, I bought LMNT salt, potassium, and magnesium packets. The electrolyte powder helped over the weekend as my days are longer, but they do have side effects. In short, make sure you’re near a bathroom within an hour of drinking the stuff.

Day 2 - Thursday

Weight: 310.6
Waist: 48.25

Huh, well that was quite a difference! This will be a real easy task, I thought after seeing those early numbers.

Then, I started craving absolutely everything around me. And as I craved food, I watched nothing but cooking clips online. Screw Spotify, hello Gordon Ramsay. There was no consensus on which day would be the worst. Some people said the first day, others had day 5 or 6. For me, it was *Day 2 (before bed). My sleep was dreadful, and I woke up at three different times ahead of my alarm. To keep my mind off the worst of it, I did finish 100% on Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga.

Day 3 - Friday

Weight: 309.8
Body Fat: 34.4%
Waist: 47.825

Huh? Where did all that Day 1 to Day 2 progress go? Wherever it went, it took my hunger with it. If Thursday’s stomach growls were an 8/10, Friday’s were a 3/10. Even after waking up groggy, I recovered quickly, and had the most productive day of work in weeks. Afterward, I cleaned the house and got ready for the bar.

Dreadful. No food really clears the mind. Unfortunately for me, my alertness spiked. Under normal circumstances, that would help someone in security, but on a slow night that just made me extra ornery and fed up with everyone’s bullshit, if they had bullshit to dole out or not.

At least I slept good. Not for long, but good.

Day 4 - Saturday

Weight: 305.8
Body Fat: 33.8%
Waist: 46.5

Those are some numbers! Woohoo! Finally, moving in the right direction. I have to tell you, Saturday felt fantastic. I wasn’t craving breakfast, lunch, and maybe a little of dinner. Ultimately, Saturday was the best day, emphasis on day, that I had.

And then the bar happened again.

Same shit, different night, except this time it was a lot harder for me to focus on certain things. Like noise, it was louder. People talking were drowned out by a wandering mind. Severe hangry-ness at full display.

Day 5 - Sunday

Weight: 303.8
Body Fat: 33.4%
Waist: 46.5

I didn’t move the meter as much as I thought I would. I was more active with my minor workouts, which featured 8lb dumbbells for curls, chest and flys, a resistance band for shoulder shrugs, an ab roller, and some planks and pushups. Nothing extreme and nothing that would get me gasping for air (as the videos said that would exasperate). I decided to ditch the pushups and planks for a 2-mile walk around the nearby track. It was a sunny day and the afternoon playoff game was just starting.

Everything went well, I thought.

Thought.

Day 6 - Monday

Weight: 301.4
Body Fat: 33.2%
Waist: 46

Remember when I said Day 2 was the hardest? It was Day 6. I was completely out of it after the Monday meetings and by the time I got home, I wanted nothing more than to sleep for five years.

But, we had grocery shopping to do. This next week wasn’t going to cook itself, and my fast emergence needed food we just didn’t have in the house. Did you know it’s really fucking difficult to find simple food that isn’t full of sugar?

From salad dressing to soup, I looked manic searching the labels for every product, but it worked. My cart was full of healthier options, with one exception being a can of apricot jam needed for a pork sauce recipe.

Then I almost passed out trying to find cornstarch (which they didn’t have).

I snapped out of my daze and grabbed a bottle of water in the checkout lane, gulping it down in seconds.

Chill out, I paid for it.

Once we got the groceries back in the house, my brother put them away while I changed and sat on the porcelain throne. Why?

Because after 6 days of not eating food, I apparently needed a No. 2.

So, there I was, scrolling Twitter on the shitter while being very surprised.

Clad in sweatpants and a hoodie, I went straight for the soup. I added another cup of broth to the bowl and made sure ti was extra hot. Once complete, I was ready for bed.

Day 7 - Tuesday

Weight: 300
Body Fat: 33%
Waist: 46

I slept like shit, felt like my body was turning against me, but at least I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out. Small victories.

For lunch I had a romaine heart salad with Greek olives, blueberries, and my zero sugar Greek vinaigrette dressing. Dinner was ramen with kale chips (slightly burnt), sake soy eggs, spicy bean sprouts, steak and red onions. Then I won trivia by 580 points.

Conclusions

Was losing 15.5 pounds worth it?

I don’t really know. Almost fainting in a Meijer isn’t what I’d call being in “peak physical condition.”

Am I going to keep the weight off?

Probably not entirely. I’ll report back in a week.

Do you notice anything different?

My snack cravings are gone. Just … gone. I don’t want late night foods after working downtown. I don’t want quick sugary breakfasts. I even had the self control not to eat provided-for doughnuts at this morning’s meeting. My willpower has definitely improved.

What practices will you keep?

Sugar reduction. I think we have to accept that sugar is inevitable. But without sacrificing my grocery budget I still found everything with a possible zero-sugar substitute that fit this week’s meal plan. The long term goal is to keep sugar at bay for a long time, with a few birthday related exceptions. And maybe Fat Tuesday. Believe me, my willpower and my Polish stubbornness are two very different ends of the same stick.

Should I do a water fast?

Tough to say. Honestly, had I not worked an extra 10 hours at the bar and dedicated those hours to better sleep, I think I could’ve made it through the original seven days without breaking the fast. It really depends on your schedule.

Will you do it again?

My total fasting time was 6 days 36 minutes (144:36:00). Throw in Monday’s broth “meal” and it’s 160 hours without solid food.

I think 5 days is a more manageable target that I might want to repeat, but not anytime soon. We’ll see how I treat my summer self and if these sugar reductions help me the way I hope they will.